So i was just at a D.R.U.G.S show. At one point, Craig Owens stands on people’s hands in the audience and walks on them. Well, when he reached down to steady himself, he grabbed my hand and looked down at me. My bracelet slipped a little bit and he must have seen my scars there because he leaned down and said in my ear “Promise me you’ll stop.” Then he held onto my hand and ran his thumb across my wrist as he sang the song and I just started bawling.

That was incredible. I feel like my life just changed. Holy shit.

seriously.

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yeah okay… so i relapsed AGAIN. i’m trying so hard to stop but it seems like every time i hang out with my ex i end up cutting again. so i should just stop hanging out with him, right? no. it’s worse if i don’t see him. and it’s not like i can avoid him even if i wanted to because SAIL is so small. and all my friends are close to him. and one of my best guy friends is his best friend. it’s not fair to ask my friends to avoid him because he’s a nice guy and it’s their lives. and it’s not fair to him because he doesn’t know he causes this. i’m not even sure if he cares

i always feel a little bit psychotic writing things like this because it’s like “oh i cut myself because he doesn’t love me.” but it’s not about that at all. i don’t give a damn if he loves me or even likes me. i cut because i fucked up. i ruined a good relationship just like i ruin everything. and it’s about control. i’m not good enough in school, i cut. if i have a B even though i told myself i’d get As, I cut. If I see a girl who is prettier or skinnier than me, i cut. if my mom is disappointed, i cut. if i hear a song that gives me a memory, i cut. it’s not just him, everything is a trigger these days.

and it’s days like today that make me want to off myself. JM made me look at my old yearbook and all the memories came back of that time when i was in control of my family, my grades, my body, my life, my friendships. it got cold out and cold reminds me of that time as well. and i have a B in science even though I’m trying so hard. of course i won’t actually off myself because i’ll mess that up again. not that i haven’t tried. i try a lot, actually. but drinking and smoking myself to death will only take me so far.

i think if i wasn’t cutting, i’d probably OD or something. as bad and horrible and crazy as that sounds, it’s a coping mechanism. it’s not even that i want to kill myself. i just don’t want to feel these emotions anymore. i’m trapped inside my own mind. i’m not safe in here with all the things telling me “emily, you will never be good enough for anyone.” and all the things out there repeating the message. i know i’m sick. i won’t try to reassure you that i’m fine because it isn’t true. i am fully aware that i have a disease and i am sick. but i don’t really want to get better. i have a love hate relationship with self abuse. as much as i hate it, i hate myself more. much more.

i don’t expect anyone to read this. it just helps me to write things out.